where's the party at?

where's the music? where are the dancing girls? how come there's no streamers? why is nobody on the dancefloor? am i at the right place? where's the party?

i just finished my penultimate semester of college with the largest class load i plan to carry in awhile (i only need two more classes to graduate). i've hurdled another obstacle and, within reason, victoriously so. so why am i missing that great sense of accomplishment? i did just do something pretty big, but the fanfare is all but completely missing. it's nice to hear my mom say she's proud of me. and i do look forward to banishing to archive folders all of the class-related papers and books that have grown over my desk like a kudzu vine covering. still, where's the fanfare? i feel so anti-climactic! it's not like last semester when finishing made me feel absolutely radiant inside like i could walk right up to the sun and outshine it in the sky.

instead, the biggest rush i got was finishing my near-immaculate mock-up of a 2-disc cd/dvd special package. it looked great and i put it together well and i got props on it from my teacher, two other teachers, as well as the head of the art department. that was the middle of the week though. i almost wish it was the last thing, so that could have been my big finish. that would have been a great time for the band to swell up, i could then strike my pose, hold for applause, and feel like i closed the show well.

i have a disappointing feeling that without the gravitational pull and common adversity of sharing classloads and complaining about the same assignments, friends that i made in the last year will become acquaintances, go their separate ways, and never be seen again. it would have nice to go out to dinner with somebody. i'm only a distance away from breaking out into a chorus of "oh i wanna dance with somebody". i could have gone to that christmas party my ex-girlfriend invited me to, but for some reason when i kick it with her, i always feel like i have to look like i'm not uncomfortable in the atmosphere, when i am... always... just a little bit.

instead, i went out and spent money that i really didn't have to spend. i bought some cheap movies, got a free rental, stocked up on comfort food with no significant nutritional value, and i suppose i'll watch a half a movie and end up asleep.

i was hoping to have more of a triumphant "it's so hard to say goodbye" type ending. instead, the feeling is more along the lines of "(i just want it) to be over". better yet, my theme song for the last week has been "shake it off", 'cause i've known for weeks that this feeling was coming. about 2 months ago, the thrill was gone. so gone. despite having some really really great professors and starting off really well, i lost my motivation, i started screwing up on things that really mattered to me, and it was all i could do not to slip hopelessly into a repeat of my last bout with depression. i just wish it could have ended better between us. me and this semester that is. but then again, for my entire 8 year college career, i have very, very rarely excelled in fall semesters. i don't know why. but this time of year has never been conducive to me learning.

the upshot though is, that now i'm free to get back to work on my music, to take one some freelance jobs, make some money and get out of debt, and what i'm really looking forward to next semester knowing that i really don't have to kill myself trying to take 30 different classes to graduate. i can just take it easy. it'll be springtime. everything will be beautiful again. i can use one last semester of low interest financial aid to consolidate high-interest credit cards and get some much needed professional equipment before entering the real world. so i suppose it's not the end of the world. sometimes you feel a little empty. but high tide will come back through, so it's cool.

if my child lives

second samuel, twelfth chapter. david has already committed adultery with bathsheba. gotten her pregnant. had her husband killed. in this chapter, God sent nathan to put david on blast for what he'd done. david didn't deny it. he relented and repented, but he couldn't undo the result of his lust, murder, adultery.

that's a pretty tall order of sin. and sin of a most odious order at that. nathan prophecied to david that because of this, he would not die... but his child would. after hearing this, david prayed desperately for this to pass. and he fasted. he stayed in the same place, wouldn't go anywhere, and he slept on the floor. no one could get him to eat anything for days.

after seven days, the child died. when david heard that the child was dead, he didn't rage. or have anyone [else] killed. the bible says he got up, washed his face, combed his hair, changed clothes, and then went into the sanctuary and worshipped. and then he came home and ate something.

the bible also says that david was a man after God's own heart. so a David™-brand tutorial on how to supplicate God in the wake of a grievous error is to be taken particular note of. david knew he was guilty. david knew he was unworthy. but he prayed to God for mercy. in the television rewriting of this story, God overlooks david's foulness and lets his child live, but david wasn't living in t.v. and neither am i.

i haven't committed adultery. or gotten anyone pregnant. or conspired to have my baby mama's husband killed. but i know that in God's eyes there are no lesser or greater sins. so i'm plugging my own sins into the place where david's were and praying for mercy no less.

hoping my child will live.

i have an opportunity before me that is somewhat like a child. it's very much close to my heart. something that i love very much. something that i want very much to live. and yet its life more or less hangs in the balance of several factors that are outside of my control. thus... i've gone to God, the only one who has power to help me and my situation and i've asked for his help.

proverbs 26:1 says "as snow in summer and rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting for a fool". thereby, a fool trying to "wear" honor would probably be much akin to the morbidly obese trying to wear hot pants. the phrase comes to mind: "who told you you could wear that?" it doesn't fit. it's not becoming. i would like to believe that i don't qualify unequivocally as a fool, but my actions certainly smack of foolishness more often than i care to admit.

if i am as foolish as i think i am in God's eyes, then it would really be in bad taste to allow me to don what i'm asking to wear. but i "hope against hope" just like in romans 4:18 where it references the promise that abraham would be a father of many nations even though he and his wife were as already old as dirt and utterly childless.

one day when my friend kenny saw me looking visibly down, he called my house later and left a message saying "hey, i saw you walking, and i just want you to know... whatever you're going through, God is able." i believe this. God can do what he chooses to do. God can grant me clemency, if it so pleases him.

so...

i've made my request known to God. if my child lives, i will be grateful beyond grateful because i've been granted a request that i'm certain i don't deserve. and if my child dies, i will wash my face, tidy up my dredlocks, change clothes, and go worship God. the common thread is that whatever the outcome, God is able, it is "fitting" to praise him, and nothing will change that.