if my father could see me now

my mind plays tricks on me. not always so cool. i had a dream about my father last night. i dreamt he had come back from an 11 year stint in prison and was living with my grandfather, chillin'... listening to hip-hop, mistaking some new artist for somebody who was around when he was "out". he was my height, and we did look alike, but he was light complected and he still had a big afro (like in his pictures).

well, i was happy to see him and i remember helping get his luggage out of the car for him, having a brief flare of angy thoughts like "where have you been" and "why didn't you write" that almost made me want to cry and yell, and then as quickly as they flared up, they were doused with water and i smiled as i turned around to hand his bags to him. it was odd to see him hanging out with my grandfather at the old house, lying on the couch... looking like me with light skin and an afro. and i just wanted to stare at him and analyze how much he looks like my uncle. and then i thought. wow. i should snap a picture of the two of us with my digital camera and put it on myspace. (gives you an idea of the timeline in my mind.)

odd though, it must have been 2005, but i was simultaneously running back and forth with a group of teammates for some project oriented competition that seemed to be very "high-school aged" happening at a hotel. i would be bouncing back and forth between being with them and having lost luggage and stopping by my grandfather's in the middle of the day to see he and my father briefly. sometimes i'd be dressed in a really nice black suit and have a lot of apparatus in my pockets (intended for the obviously stealthy project).

and then i woke up and as it always happens, for a few moments, i'm consciously awake and don't realize that the dream i had wasn't real. and i wanted to go and see him and take my camera and get that picture or something. then as i rolled over, it dawned on me that i was actually in 2005, neither my father nor my grandfather were still alive, nor were his house in bakersfield even in our family anymore. and i certainly wasn't in high school. and at this particular time, i'm not even in college (at least not until fall).

i think it had something to do with talking to a friend last night about working temporarily until her son starts school in the fall. and said son is currently living with his father who had been in prison for most of his life. so it's that transferrence thing. then my thought was "ok, why? 'cause that was such a tease." and not very often but every now and then, i have these anachronistic dreams having to do with my father or my grandfather (in this case, both) where who i am today gets to meet with who they were before. which also reminds me of an obscure thought i had friday afternoon... "if my father could see me now". which was a take off on the title of a linda clifford album i had as a kid called if my friends could see me now. you know, i really didn't take much thought to it beyond that it would make an interesting blog title as i was walking past mcdonalds on the way from work to my car (yes, i remember what i was doing when i was thinking that).

it's interesting though how it synthesized into the dream i had this morning. i think it was walking past that building with the reflective glass and seing how different i look now. i don't know what my dad would think, but i know first, my grandfather, a barber of 40 years, would be angling to cut my hair. (lol) i think overall though, he'd be proud that i could write and speak well and have only a year left before graduating college (after all, his main proddings to me were always to get an education and to have control of the English language). and plus, i don't have any kids yet and i think he'd be really happy about that.

i think maybe my dad would be proud that i've become a really good singer and pianist, since he was always into music. and he would be really flattered that i'm into music the way he is. even now there are at least 2 keyboards and 2 guitars in my view, and compact discs literally surround me. i think he'd be impressed to know that i'm beginning to learn guitar, since that was his main instrument. he'd be glad to know i never experimented with drugs (as he was purported to have done). maybe he'd be disappointed in my lack of sentiment towards the army where he served for so long. and disappointed that the relationship between my mother and i went so badly south 10 years ago even though it's so much better now.

i have no idea what he would think about my sister (his other daughter) who i've had such trouble forging a relationship with at all. i don't know very much about her beyond knowing what she does, who her immediate family is, and having spent a some time with her when she was in high school. but now i'm getting off topic and wasting time getting back to work on the project that i have to finish today. it was just a dream anyway. no need to delay the necessities of reality for much longer.

every now and then i can see that i'm getting somewhere

in case you didn't know, i've been pulling double duty at my other blog across town. i've been cheating on my beloved blogspot with daily rendezvous at myspace. i'm still keeping this one as my quietly locked away "first-love" blog so that i can still be candid and maintain some anonymity when i need to.

so. the topic of the day... baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. i'm changing and i think i like it. i'm past 25 and it's not disasterous. i'm very much lovin' it. so check it out. wednesday night, by happenstance, i got into a cleaning mode and actually succeeded in clearing away enough junky bulk from my floors that i was able to... *gasp* vacuum it. if you walked into my living space, you might even think i was a neat freak. well, there's a method too my madness, but a neat freak i'm not. whatever. that was not the point.

and this isn't either. but it's necessary foundation. since the floor was cleared out, i actually had space to dance. normally, when there's so much junk on the floor that i only have space to rock gently from side to side. but now i can move and turn and jump and whatever i want. i had to bust out some old school TLC and cut myself a slice of rug in honor of them finally releasing their greatest hits album stateside. can't believe they've essentially come to an end, but the point is... that that's not the point either.

here's the blasted point. as i was jumping around and shaking my groove thing with abandon, i noticed in the mirror that my arms are beginning to look defined. if i didn't know better, i would swear i was grown folk. or close enough. i find this amazing. my work out regiment hasn't been rigorous or strenuous, but i can tell i'm becoming more fit. i went from those initial 3 push-ups that i thought were going to kill me, to doing a full set of 10 of them to doing multiple sets of 15. a friend of mine has me randomly going jogging with him 2 to 3 times a week late at night when the california heat doesn't mercilessly oppress the innocent beings beneath it.

plus, another friend of mine was telling me about dips: the exercise where you lower and raise your full body weight just using the strength in your arms and upper body. well, when he explained the concept, it sounded great on paper. i tried to do one, and all i could manage was lowering my full body weight. raising it just wasn't gonna happen that day. so he chimed in, that i may have to help myself up with my feet when first starting off. well, that's exactly what had to happen for a couple weeks. but lo and behold... *drum roll* one day... *drum roll continues* i completed... *interjecting an american idol sized amount of unnecessary suspense* without any help from lower extremities, a full dip. *gasp in amazement, pause, and cue applause*

yeah, me, the once consummately frail bean pole, did a single dip, lowered and raised. all by myself. clap for me and put my picture on the refrigerator. it's wonderful... marvelous. you should care for me. i'm downplaying it, because i'm sure somebody reading this has massive arnold schwarzenegger arms and is laughing a hearty laugh at me, maybe even with a derisive austrian accent. but freak that! this is BIG for me! it's momentous! i did a dip. i was so happy, i had to call my erstwhile trainer immediately after in the middle of the night and tell him about it. fortunately, he's nocturnal like me, so his enthusiasm for my progress wasn't mitigated by the fact that i was calling around 12 o'clock at night.

i'm glad though. now has got to be the time to establish the physique i wanna keep, 'cause i've heard that the body you have at 30 is about the one you have for the rest of your life. sounds like urban legend, but if there is any validity to it, i'll be ready for it at this rate.

“every now and then i can see that i'm getting somewhere, where i have to go is so deep.” - jennifer knapp, “diamond in the rough”

let's go make some noise

so, getting back to the world-rocking mute math concert i went to at the top of this month, i heard darren king say something that sent my wheels buzzing. this girl was asking him when they were going to record their next album and he commented that the next month or two was going to be set aside just to recording some new music. and i believe i heard him say verbatim, "man, i can't wait to get into the studio and just make some noise!"

noise, huh? that's how all of that brilliant music starts out? you don't sit down expecting to great a masterpiece that people will want to enjoy over and over again and tell all of their friends about? you just wanna go make noise? i'd just gotten "enlightenment" from, young as he is, a musical mentor of mine. this was absolutely amazing to me. it's like you told me to eat my pizza crust-first. and he was so eager and enthusiastic when he said it. the fire lit right then. the idea of order arising from chaos... wow. fascinating, 'cause lemme tell you. i've got plenty of chaos to work with. i looked at my floor this morning and i wasn't sure what was carpet and what was clothing and papers.

i think the coolest thing about this mini-epiphany though is that i know what he's talking about. one of the sound designers who helped me with my last album liked nothing better than to sit and synthesize sound waves out of nothing. either that or take an existing song and then twist and contort it until it was unrecognizable. you would never know that the loop that makes my song "if you listen" listenable started out as some eric b. & rakim song from paid in full and then came out of a chain of filters as some curiously funky marine-like aural entity. i want to do that now! i want to go throw caution (and engrained classical piano training rules) to the wind and see if i can come up with something that makes my own jaws drop. something good enough to make other people stare at me in amazement like i do for so many others like the guys in mute math.

i've been so long away from the ability to make music that it's really about all i want to do these days. i'm using a program called Reason Adapted Express (which is the light version of Reason Adapted, which is the light version of Reason). one of the newer pieces of music synthesis software for precisely "making noise". i can't wait to get the full version of Reason 3.0 so that i can really dig into the functionality of it, but in the meantime, i'm taking the two-instrument, one-drum-patch limit, and maximizing it. i've begun rough ideas for about 8 or 9 songs, and right quickly too. it's like there's gridlock in my head with all of these songs trying to crowd out the door at once. you'da thought somebody yelled "fire" inside a packed theatre. the more the merrier though. everybody out. ;)

cookies need love (like everything does)

i think i'm ready now. it's been erstwhile in the back of my mind, but now, a safe 2½ years since the end of my last relationship, i think i'd like to try again. even though money's not quite flowing like i like it to. i blame it on t.v. romantic comedies are sometimes worse than food commercials. their sole purpose on the earth is to dress their product up so good that you'd step over your own mother to get it. (by the way, did you know that when fast food restaurants have the principle photography done for their burgers and fries and what not, they actually have make-up artists for the food?)

all that aside, it's working. i think i've learned a lot in 2 years. i've taken distinct pains to make myself a better person, and i mean that almost as much literally as i do figuratively. i didn't do quite as well as i wanted to last go round, but i acknowledged most of those mistakes and actually invested some time and effort towards fixing them. i believe i'm more formidable this time, and i would like to vie again.

“by-ah-dah, finding a reason to fall away (do it again) / by-ah-dah, never a solution to reasons that i stray... / so I say I won't fall / I'll be encouraged and stand tall / and proclaim that you prove me / time and time again / try me, Lord, try me / try me again / I'm willing to be used by you / try me again / because at the time that I failed / I really should have prevailed / try me again” - Kim Burrell, “Try Me Again”

now, i say this fearlessly because i'm confident that God won't allow me to be tempted beyond what i can bear (I Cor. 10:13). also, i'm confident because God is my confidence and he will keep my foot from being taken (Prov 3:26). and i don't believe that if I ask for love, that God will instead give me "a scorpion" (Luke 11:11-13). so i'm no longer (so much) afraid that there is some drop-dead gorgeous female hellbent on my destruction who only wants to seduce me, turn me into her baby daddy, guilt me into marrying her, and make my life a living hell until death do us part. on the contrary. i've met some really nice women. and i've also become a lot less selfish with my time. shoot. i'm a lot less selfish period. now, i'm grounded though. i have not lost myself by far. however, said self is on a leash. and i feel more controlled, stable, balanced.

Oracle: Please. You and I may not be able to see beyond our own choices, but that man can't see past any choice.
Neo: Why not?
Oracle: He doesn't understand them, he can't. To him they are variables and equations. One at a time each must be solved and counted. That's his purpose: to balance the equation.
Neo: What's your purpose?
Oracle: To unbalance it.

i deal in control pretty often when i speak about myself. and right now, i'm shopping. i'm looking to sell-off a bit of my control to a suitable buyer. i'm game to maybe let a regulation amount of unbalance into my life because? well, maybe i need more hobbies, but it's not like i'm ever at a loss for what to do. recently, the social life that i've always begged for tried to run me over in the middle of the street. every friend and cohort calls on this cell phone (that i did not necessarily want) wanting to kick it, or to come over, to go out, or just to chat. it's a little overwhelming. and yet, i'm professing that i want this.

like i said, i blame t.v. another thing i've been watching recently is the family man. a quiet favorite of mine. i don't watch it all the time, but whenever i take a notion to slide it into the DVD player, i enjoy it immensely. for i identify strongly with nic cage's character having "everything" in his corporate-driven though "utterly alone" bachelor's lifestyle... and then trying to reconcile that with the idea of having a different set of "everything" in the college sweetheart he left behind. getting to see two different prongs of possiblity is wholly stimulating to me. you know i'm big on choice, right?

the caveat is that i know that in lauded relationships as these, when they appear on screen, the nerve-wracking discomfort of attempting to form such a strong bond is always downplayed. in real life, said discomfort is fully felt. and you should know that i don't like my nerves being wracked. i think i can make it though. "i think i can beat mike tyson." i think this time, i might not go running for the hills if she accidently does something that reminds me of my mother's unpleasantries. shoot. if she's a wildcat and cusses me out the first time i get on her nerves, i might just want to marry her.

a night to remember

People, I just saw the coolest show on the planet. I finally got to see Mute Math live at the Viper Room in Hollywood. OK, quick background: everything started about 5 years ago when the band Earthsuit first dropped their album Kaleidoscope Superior. I've got "buttons". I'll listen to Amel Larrieux or Sade to press the coolspiritual button. I'll listen to Sting or Seal to push the intellegent button. I'll listen to Chaka Khan or Karen Clark Sheard to rawemotional button. Or Michael Jackson to push the dontstoptilyougetenough button. Well... when I first heard Earthsuit's "Whitehorse", it pushed like 5 buttons. So at that point, I instantly became a fan and loudunstoppable advocate of the band. You can imagine that I was pretty crushed when they were unceremoniously dropped from their label a couple years later. Me and my friends mourned and even drew up tentative plans to take over the Sparrow Records building and hold somebody hostage until they resigned the band, but that just never panned out. Earthsuit's members split up and became two bands: Macrosick and Mute Math.

This has been a bumper week because not only did I see Mute Math here in L.A., but Macrosick just happened to play a free show at the Key Club just down the street from the Viper Room the day before. That was a thrill and a half because not only did I get to meet dc Talk's Kevin Max (who was so cool and down to earth) at the show, but while performing, Macrosick called members of Mute Math up to the stage to help them out on one song. So it was almost like getting to see Earthsuit play! Finally, about the coolest thing of the night was getting to present Greg Hill of Mute Math with my redesign of their Reset EP artwork (I'd post pictures of it, but I gave one copy to my class instructor and the other to Greg, so I have to print and assemble another). I have to toot my horn though because I thought my artwork was great! Mua ha ha ha ha! It came complete with lyric insert and special edition slipcase. It was the final project for my graphic design class this semester, but it just worked out that it coincided with the perfect timing of them being in L.A. That's not all though. I haven't gotten to telling you about the Mute Math show last night!

OK, it's a shame, but I had planned to caravan about 5 or 6 people with me to the show, but after last minute cancellations, only 3 besides made it in because of last minute cancellations, and just the simple fact that the show was near-sold-out when we got there and some of my friends couldn't even get in. The band's management agreed a couple weeks ago to put me on the guest list in exchange for passing out flyers and putting up posters in advance, but I wasn't sure if I made it on the list and the bouncer at the front door was being kinda hardnosed about it. One of the band's roadies named Joe heard what was going on though and gave a holler to Kevin from their management (The Kookoogey Group), and got both me and my friend onto the guest list.

Once I got in, I was surprised how small and tight the Viper Room was. Opening up the show was Mat Kearney. I heard some of his songs before, but he's got a different vibe live. He handled his acoustic set alone on either guitar or keys which I have so much respect. Plus, he's pretty funny without trying hard to be. The best part was when he couldn't find his pick, he played the rest of his set with a quarter that some guy in the front row gave him. That was great man. I felt bad though because all through his set, I kept ducking down in the front row with my cell phone to consort with the friends who were in line outside waiting to get in. Two of them in the front of the line eventually got inside in time for Mute Math's show, but the others were so far back that they gave up.

So, I had a singular goal when I got to the show. To be front and center, making a proper idiot of myself. And I am proud to say -- I accomplished this task with flying colors. I was already uber-excited about even seeing the band, so when they took the stage no more than a couple feet away from my face and launched into "Chaos", I went off like a firework and didn't stop until after... well, I didn't stop. I sang every lyric and ad-lib to every song I knew all night long. It was absolutely great.

Next in the set was "Plan B", which they slowed down a little bit for tonight's show, but it was the perfect tempo to rock to. One thing I have to say is that Darren King is a freakin' amazing drummer. My friend Aaron pointed out that he was playing on a really stripped down set. Just a kick, snare, single tom, high hat, and cymbal, but the sound that came out of it was awesome.

Next, the guys did two new songs, "Stare At The Sun" and "Noticed". I didn't know the lyrics so I forced to enjoy them quietly... for the most part. I did take the opportunity to bust out my digital camera and take some shots of the band. And I know it was rebellious and derelict of me, but even though I saw the sign posted at the entrance that said "absolutely no audio, video, or camera equipment", I figured I wouldn't get thrown out of the venue on one warning. I had to work quickly and pick and choose my moments, but I got a few shots before a bouncer tapped me on the elbow and gave me the "put it away" signal with his professionally furrowed brows. You can't be mad at him though. That's his job.

That's why I didn't get any pics of Mat Kearney though, which sucks 'cause he had a really cool outfit on that I wanted to see if one of my friends could recreate for me. I got a couple really cool 30 second clips of the band though. At the perfect time too. Paul Meany was rockin' the famous keytar that he uses to trigger samples live and using it to play a solo while standing on top of his Rhodes keyboard. Not a fake one though -- a real, genuine Rhodes. If that isn't literally cool on top of cool, then it's just not possible. I wish I had gotten some shots of Roy who was doing double duty holding down those hefty basslines and alternating playing this mic'ed-up kick drum like a gong. It was great. It made your heart rumble like a good 808 does. You could feel it all thru the room. To top it off, as Paul was walking around the Rhodes to put the keytar back on its stand, he gave me a quick pat on the shoulder and said "thank you so much" before sitting back down. I think he shook my hand from the stage too. If not then, at some other point during the show. It was unreal the amount of love I got. Too good to be true.

The energy kicked back up fever pitch as soon as Greg Hill played the opening guitar riff to "Reset". Even though the song is instrumental, the music itself speaks... and the only thing I could reply to what it was saying was: "Wow." It's one of those songs that just takes you somewhere. I love it, and I couldn't believe I was getting to watch it being recreated live and authentic right in front of me down to stereodelic samples that lead up to the breakdown about 2:30 minutes into the song. Even though Paul had gone all the way over to the other side of the stage to trigger samples, he completely made it back to the Rhodes in time to pick up the melody right where it's supposed to be. I think it was during "Reset" though that everybody was floored when Paul ripped the rop off of the Rhodes in the middle of a solo and continued literally banging out the music by hitting what looked like the hammers of a piano that are underneath the "hood" of the Rhodes. A-freakin'-mazing. Out-freaking-standing. Un-freaking-believable.

By now, I was way past "in awe", 'cause I'm used to singing these songs full voice with the music blaring through me and back out my window while I'm in the car. I've been doing that for 9 months now consistently. To be having the sound blare at me having come directly out of Greg, Paul, Roy, and Darren in person. So when they dropped the big booty bass beat of "Peculiar People" next, I just knew it was so headbangin' time. My dredlocks were floppin' everywhere without abandon, but I wasn't alone... another fan (Orlando) was on the other side of my friend Aaron lovin' it just like me, man, and his head was straight up clean. He came all the way up from like San Diego to come to the show, so I know it must have been amazing for him. Might I add that it was hella diggable to sing the harmony parts to the chant they do after the chorus... it was just like in my car... hehehe!

This whole show had been an indescribable high for me, so when Paul announced they were gonna play "Control" next, I knew it was almost done. I didn't have time to lament it though because my guys were busy playin' the joint. And even if I felt like I was the only one singing along before, everybody joined in on this one.

To everybody's delight, Paul then announced that they had one more song to do before closing, another new song called "We All Break The Same". I can't wait to get the CD and pore through the lyrics when it comes out, 'cause it seemed like it had a lot of substance to process through. Weighty like something Kevin Max or Sting himself would have been right proud to record. It was during this song that Paul rocked his coup-de-grace taking a turn playing both the kick-drum-a-la-gong that Roy was playing earlier as well as a hand-muted crash cymbal that had a mallet-shaped gash in it on the other side (most likely from some other show where it gave out during a similar performance).

And then the most unbelievable finale for me. Paul had the keytar again, but this time instead of playing melody lines, he was just smashing keys and putting out a melange of sound. He was almost uncomfortably close to me while rocking out -- like 6 inches away from my face -- so I started to back up when I noticed him motion to me to "do something with the keytar". It must have been hilarious to bystanders, because I recall giving him the "you want me to what?!" look. He demonstrated by mashing a whole section of keys with his left hand and then indicating that I do the same on cue. Still in disbelief, and wide-eyed with my expression now having changed to "are you sure about this?" I pressed down on three keys with my middle, index, and ring fingers to test the waters when he gave me the signal. Then he concurred with a nod and reiterated in action to just go all out. And when I finally got bold enough to use my whole hand to span across the keys, he nodded and smiled approvingly and had me repeat this two or three times to the rhythm.

Remember when I said "A-freakin'-mazing, Out-freaking-standing, Un-freaking-believable"? Well add to that, un-freaking-real. I did not get to play the trademark instrument of the frontman from my favorite band during a concert where I got in for free. All I ended up paying for was $10 for parking and $15 for the Mute Math T-shirt that I knew I would kick myself if I didn't purchase.

I was on overload man. How many Cinderella-type experiences can one man have in the span of a lifetime? Amel Larrieux, Crystal Lewis, Mute Math, pretty much everybody musically significant to me, God has allowed me to touch in someway. I'm humbled, bowled-over, and short-circuited with incredulous joy. These guys are all so cool though. After the kick-butt show they put on, I would have understood if they came off the stage speaking in 3rd person about how good they were, only interrupting their speeches to pause and pose every few seconds like The Rock^TM. They were just down-to-earth, talking to everybody while they were loading gear into their trailer.

Still, I had to revert to my long retired groupie nerd style and ask for autographs and pictures. Greg, Paul, and Darren all signed my Reset CD and as if I couldn't be any more floored, when Greg noticed my thin li'l Sharpie was drying up and running out, Greg grabbed a fresh one and had the guys re-sign. Then when we took the group picture, not only did I get the whole band in one place long enough to take the photo, but Roy Mitchell-Cardenas (formerly of Earthsuit, filling-in on bass guitar tonight) was in the pic too, and I even got one with Adam LaClave (formerly of Earthsuit, now the frontman for Macrosick) jumping in at the last minute, but that one came out blurry.

Hey, I forget to mention one of the coolest things though. Tonight in Hollywood was the last show of The Reset Tour which included 40 club dates all across the United States. How fitting was it that on the last hit of the last song, the same drum head that Darren had played for the whole tour finally ruptured. And as the me and the rest of the crowd were cheering our heads off, Darren threw his sticks and the piece of a broken drum right about in the direction of me and my friend Aaron. I picked up the drumstick and he picked up the drum head. Does it get any cooler? Darren even autographed the drum head too. I think the stick speaks for itself. Wow. Wow. Man. Wow. That's about all I was saying for the rest of the night, and I'll never forget it not even when I'm old and gray, that is unless I decide to be one of those grandfather types who still dye their hair black. Heh.

This was the set list:

1. Chaos
2. Plan B
3. Stare At The Sun
4. Noticed
5. Reset
6. Peculiar People
7. Control
8. We All Break The Same