strategy of the opposing side

just an observation. my roommate was having some meeting for her quixtar sales group. it's not a pyramid scheme, but any business where you have to lure and cajole workers to work for you doesn't work for me. i tried one of those once and quickly found that i am no one's master salesman, so i've had mild contempt for them ever since.

i overheard my roommate and her sales team member discussing "volume quotas", "game plans", "sales pitches", etc. nothing they were talking about was illegal or surreptitious, but they're talk was geared towards optimizing their effort to get what they need from people to make sales and i'm sure climb up the ladder.

of course, i've been virtually overdosing on tonex's new double CD set and the song that's been standing out the most recently is "alive 2". though mostly high-energy, headbangable guitar riffs, the song breaks down in the middle to a quiet simmer while tonex has a brief conversation with the audience as Christ speaking in 1st person POV. he says "I went down to hell and I took the keys from satan. there were some discussions about Me. and there's some board meetings about you too in hell, but greater is he that's in you..." than he that is in the world.

i transferred the visual. not to give my roommate and her cohort in a demonic connotation. but regarding my purpose and destiny in Christ, i'm certain that the modis operandi is the same. demons have "destruction quotas" to make, form "distration pitches" to keep me as far away from God's presence as they can, and "temptation pitches" to get me to indulge in whatever fancy makes me happy so they can accomplish their goal of preventing me from furthering God's kingdom and dragging my soul into eternal damnation.

that's my only observation. i'm sure that mini-revelation is God speaking to me to be more vigilant and realize that i can't just stay asleep. i've been so consumed with school and work and what not that i haven't really given him the time he deserves. but it's not over. thankfully with only two finals to go, i can get back on track so many of the things that i have really loosened the reins on from my prayer and meditation time all the way down to throwing out old papers and keeping my room clean.

it'll be lovely.

running down the street naked

"If you run down the street naked every day, eventually people stop looking up." - Stevie Nicks on Christina Aguilera's hypersexual image.

Well, as it relates to me... I'm multi-talented, multi-colored. I'm a classically trained pianist, singer, recording artist, sometimes actor, pretty good dancer, I can rely on off-the-cuff wit if I have to do public speaking, I'm an above average attractive man, I'm intelligent, apart from this immodest self-praise I really am humble and often self-deprecating. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Who cares. Essentially, I've been running down the street naked every day for months upon months and I don't think people are looking anymore.

Those closest to me (who like me just because they do) have seen all of my colors, seen me wear every hat in my wardrobe, acknowledge that I'm pretty good and getting better, but I don't think they're impressed anymore. There's an established R&B singer who actively participates at my small 100-200 member church. When he first arrived, most people who know his face and voice from TV and radio were a little awed, a little distracted by his celebrity. Yet, he wasn't big headed or self-absorbed and quickly proved to everyone that he was just our brother when it all comes down to it. He's still a celebrity, but to us, he's just our brother.

Personally, I think it's really cool that he does that because everybody knows that he's a bonafide celebrity, but he wants to propagate that in relationship to God, he feels just as common and ordinary as any other regular person. I must be backwards, because I feel just as common and ordinary as any other person, and I desperately want people to think I'm "something special". Can I be anymore candid and sloppy pathetic than that?

Flipside is that not far from the front of my mind I know a lot of people do think I'm special. But truth be told, I am unimpressed with myself. I am so aware of how special I'm not, that I wonder how anyone else could miss it.

The upshot is that previously whenever I would go through periods of feeling like this, depression would accompany and I wouldn't be able to forge on and be functional. So perhaps I am slowly succeeding in my campaign to permanently get over myself, so close to shaking my dependent craving for attention and approval.

Who knows, you know? And I bet that as soon as I resign to put on some clothes and just walk down the street like a normal person, folks'll start looking up again. It figures. <:/

not dead

part 1
well, i'm approaching the denouement of the spring 2004 semester and though i am more than glad to be getting this stuff over with, everything has not turned out like i wanted it to.

Art 203: Life Drawing
apparently i did a bang-up job on the final. i critique my art pretty hard, but i was even pleased with the 2 hour drawing i did in black & white charcoal on colored paper. got me an A on the final, but i missed a crucial homework assignment and missed several of the 5½ hour sessions of the class.

Poli Sci 1
ok, let me just say, i hate politics, i always have hated politics, and i don't anticipate liking it anytime soon. my hope was to get all of my least favorite classes over with this semester and it's been a hard row to hoe. i've clashed with the teacher from the start. it's affected my performance in that i was cynical about politics before, and albeit informed, now i'm just adverse. i've never been quiet about it and it's resulted in a few heated confrontations in class, so now i'm certain he doesn't like me, and i'm none too fond of him either.

really, he's almost a good teacher, but not quite. so close, but no cigar. he seems to have genuine concern for students passing his class, but he's deluded into thinking he can force them into doing so. reality is, some people are going to flunk no matter what, and the man has all these anal retentive, constricting rules on assignments, requirements, and in-class conduct that just force you to dislike him.

well, after the last of the blazing rows we've had, i think we both decided we no longer wanted to contend with each other. we've both been civil, but there's still that tension. all i want is to get out of his class with an A or a B at best, and i'm sure that he'll be glad to see me go.

whatever. i just wish i'd had the time to do some of the extra credit assignments. i had arranged to do some hours of community service in order to get extra credit, but never found the time to devote to it once i got this new part time job. my supervisor is a friend of mine who said she'd sign off on my hours for now and let me make them up later, but i'm not comfortable with that. so that plan is scrapped, but if i make a good showing on the final i can still get an A.

History 1: Western Civilation
i have been avoiding history classes for the greater part of the 7 years i've been in college, but this class has been the most pleasant surprise of the semester. though quirky in her own way, this teacher is genuinely good at what she does. we have in common that neither one of us were initially thrilled at the prospect of having to be at a community college campus, but it's been a great experience. she has made the subject matter come alive for me, encouraged learning, critical thinking, expression, and i couldn't be more glad about it. i have done pretty consistently well and i'm confident that i'll be able to get an A. just gotta get past this final and that's all!

part 2
well, there's a lot of good that's coming from this semester, but the ordeal has worn me out pretty bad. finance has been shaky while spending less time working and more time studying. my goal for the year is to complete at least 30 units, which means i'll have to take summer school TOO. i'm not truly enjoying this educational experience and apart from stellar friendships i've fostered during the last 4 months, i have longed to get back to the university i started in.

today my thought was just "*sigh* what's the point?" well on the way to work, i was listening to "alive 2" from tonex's new album and towards the end he starts pseudo-preaching that God's not dead and our dreams are not either. it reminded me that the reason i'm trying to get school out of the way is so that i can be free to pursue the dreams that i really am passionate about. i'm not doing what i want to do right now, but there's still time, and i'm not dead yet. so i have hope.

the upward spiral

"i have to admit it's getting better... it's getting better all the time." - The Beatles, Getting Better.

Gonna count my blessings. (1) Got a job where I feel competent and appreciated. (2) My hair is getting longer and requiring less attention. (3) My car is running great. (4) My voice is in good shape. (5) Me and Mom are getting along. (6) Got a new hangout partner whose about as crazy as me. (7) Web business is jumping. (8) I've got some creativity to devote to said business. (9) Bought Tonéx's new album on sale and it sounds really good. (10) Sang three songs at church yesterday and I sounded really good (tee hee). (11) Been paying more attention to God, and actually acting like a Christian even when folks aren't around. (12) I'm paying off bills slowly but surely. (13) I have hope, and I'm looking forward to the future. (14) and Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

This is pretty sharply contrasted to several months ago where I was feeling pretty alienated, hostile towards most everybody, and slightly depressed that "nothing was going right"... and things steadily kept going worse. But finally I feel that changing, and it's about time. I've always said, I'm an optimist, so depression and I don't get along well. So thank God it's finally getting better... all the time.

it takes bobby brown to hold back a nation of millions

i feel cheated. i've been mislead. all this time i've listened to bobby brown's "my perogative", i thought bobby was just privy to an upper category of vocab unbeknownst to me. i just found out that "perogative" is not a word. the word, mr. brown was searching for was actually prerogative.

prerogative... meaning: 1. An exclusive right or privilege held by a person or group, especially a hereditary or official right.
2. The exclusive right and power to command, decide, rule, or judge: the principal's prerogative to suspend a student.
3. A special quality that confers superiority...

admittedly more difficult to pronounce and spell. he probably heard it somewhere, spelled it phoenetically, and then proceeded to croon out an 80's megahit that led an entire new-jack-swing bred generation to thinking they had impressive new addition to their vocabulary. oh... such betrayal. how could he do this to his legions of fans who look to him as their sole source of entertainment, enlightenment, and life guidance?


man. i'd have to blog this. i couldn't actually say it with a straight face.

it's been a long time... i shouldna left you...

ok. see what had happened was, life swarmed up and blinded me with it's busy business and i forgot that i had even carved out this blog spot. but for the scarlet ephod, i would not bother, but her depositing a wealth of life experiences into a seemingly attention-less void has inspired me because... if no one else, i was paying attention. and i'm sure i've said it before, but i named my website markwashere.com because i want it to make enough noise while i'm here that people are will notice when i leave. i really should be studying now, so i'm going to depart, but... yeah. ok.