dancer in the dark

"Why do I love it so much? / What kind of magic is this? / How come I can't help adore it? / It's just another musical / No one minds it at all / If I'm having a ball / This is a musical / And there is always someone to catch me / When I'd fall" - Bjork, "In The Musicals, Pt. 1 & 2" from Selmasongs.

So, recently, I ventured to purchase a copy of Tonex's Out The Box - The Movie DVD. However, I'd heard mixed reviews of it, so I watched someone elses copy before I unwrapped my own. I must say. To call this man talented is an understatement. I've always known that from back in 1999 when I met him right before he blew up to high heaven. Having had my own struggles with common hatation, it was awhile before I could enjoy his music and ministry on its own merit.

Whenever I watch any artistic work, I'm looking for something I can identify with. Well, unfortunately I found something. There's a little interlude on this DVD where the band indulges in a round of standard fare churchy church shoutin' music (which I have little to no affinity for, but can appreciate on a familiar level). The guy begins playing the organ and then walks across the stage to play a piano, then stage left to a clavichord, then again to play the drums (each time bumping a previously busy musician off of his post), then back to the microphone (his native weapon of mass destruction), and finishes off with a shouting dance that's part hoedown and part riverdance.

It seemed to scream "If I'm multi-talented and you know it, clap your hands" *clap, clap* Now, granted, I was a little chagrinned by the deliberate show, but I can't hate. Because I'm guilty of the same self-aggrandizing. It completely brought to mind the quiet implosion of me trying so hard to display my many colors at my church this year in April for the Resurrection Day service. I went from playing piano, to switching clothes to do an exquisite routine with the praise dance ensemble, to switching clothes again to perform my cover of Prince's "I Would Die 4 U" which I am consummately convinced is about Jesus and not about Prince's odd pseudo-messianic sexuality.

They were all received well, and I performed them all very well, but no one was particularly moved with my ability to wear 3 hats in a day. Just the same, my eyes and mind comprehend that Tonex has amazingly incredible talents, but the whole of my being just refuses to fall down and worship him for it. As a matter of fact, it's slightly off-putting even though I'm sure he means well. I don't think I want to be guilty of that anymore. I have no means nor any desire to judge Tonex, but for me, this whole year has been an exercise in being superior, yet in the shadows. Being the best, but in the background.

What have we learned, little children? *all repeat in juvenile synchronicity* "It's not about me!"

ad retraction

nevermind. she apologized. deal's off, you can't have her. peace.

for sale: surplus family members

i've got a really great sister, but she's getting on my nerves somethin' fierce tonight, so if somebody else wants her (at least temporarily), make me an offer. for the first time in a long time, i'm actually looking forward to going to my hometown (which since leaving it initially in 1997, i have traditionally avoided at all costs... all). i'm even planning on staying longer than 48 hours on purpose. so why is does she seem to be gearing up days in advance, harassing me via telephone so that i'll be nice and tender and easy to annoy when i arrive?

i've got a friend who recently lost a dear family member, so in effort to prevent her from carrying out plans to spend it non-ceremoniously, i invited her to spend thanksgiving with me and my family. she's so down to earth, i figure she'll fit right in, but since i mentioned that i was bringing her with me, my sister has been... let's say disquieted.

apparently, she's taken offense to me bringing someone down to buffet and dilute any difficulty in spending time with them. i can understand the offense, but it's really not about her. part of me wants to believe she's threatened by females in my life because she's taken issues of various types with enough girls i've been interested in to raise a flag. i want not to believe that's true. but moreso, i want her to get over herself and stop being hard to love. all i want this holiday is some togetherness & good times and right at this point, her unwillingness to participate in the former along with my invited company is putting a strain on my ability to do the latter.

so here i am. my natural reaction to drama is to eliminate everyone causing it. minus the influence of Christ in my life, i'm liable to say "screw all ya'll" and go back to my little niche in California. however. you're stuck with family for life. you can't just quit them like a bothersome job. or i would have completely changed careers back when i was still high school age. i can't avoid them and i can't change them, so...



i don't know. if anybody knows what should follow that ellipsis, feel free to sound off. please note though, if you're more off the chain than i am, i don't wanna hear from you. my goal is to be less crazy, remember? ok? ok. good night.

wanted: platinum plaque certified by local barbershop

i struck a little deal with a friend of mine who owns a barbershop for him to sell some of my cds at the shop. i cut him a deal on buying 10 of them. i've yet to see cash from it, but he's a man of his word, so i'm ok with that. however, i went in on friday to get my edges lined up and while i'm in the chair he just passed me word that my cds were "not going platinum". forthrightly i replied, "i know man, what did you expect?" when i recorded you are here, i had a completely different audience in mind and now the people who would have well received the product are mostly long gone from me.

this barbershop has a really cool atmosphere though. the clientele is mostly funneled in from the nearby college. 20-25 year old black men and women comin' through, some to hang out and play pool, some for hair appointments. but the vibe they have goin' on is cool and pretty predictable. they're always playing gospel or other clean urban secular music, erykah badu, musiq, kim burrell, lisa mcclendon, usher, alicia keys, amel larrieux, and the like. definitely within a certain mold that appeals to the certain people that come through. so i was not surprised that despite my man's hypin' me up among his clients, the cd has failed to show itself a worthy investment.

at this point, that doesn't sting so much. i've given my cd the most scathing reviews it could get having run the gamut of being completely in love with it all the way to being fully disenchanted with my own songs. the album i did is mainly dance pop formulated to appeal to fans of mainstream artists like justin timberlake. but now that crunk rules the world and hip-hop IS the new pop, what i have to offer is not currently en vogue. i'm ok with that, and i've known that i would have to go back to the drawing board for awhile. albeit discreetly, hearing that my art was not being well received among this niche sub-culture of a few folks down at the barbershop had a challenging effect on me. it's as if he was telling a husband that according to the grapevine he wasn't "taking care of business at home". of course that's not what he meant, but that's how it felt. of course, i'd like to prove that idea wrong. so now i am on a cyborg mission to make their heads bob if i have to grab the back of their craniums and do it myself.

"somebody said you'll never make it / that's the thought you're keeping / don't let that be the reason why you're sleepin' / time is of the essence, so you better believe / you can do anything" - out of eden, "this is your life"

so, for my next feat, i'd like to target an urban crowd. it's practical anyway. i made music for the environment i was in before, and now i'm in a different environment. so i want to don the appropriate clothing.

even though i have no intentions of becoming a strictly R&B stalwart, i'd like to know i can rock it if want to, even though i really don't. it is my goal to get those ubercool few of 20-25 students to nod their head to something i had a hand in. phase one's already begun. i collected some tracks from a friend of mine who produces tracks for some really big name neo-soul artists. now i'm entreating God to help me write lyrics to them that will fit the people i'm supposed to speak to and the style i'll be presenting it in.

the caveat will be to make sure the goal of making heads nod doesn't subvert the more important task of continuing to represent Christ to the fullest. the attention is supposed to be on Him primarily, and i'm not supposed to be the only reason i'm singin'. but he's been most kind and gracious to negotiate with me on things that i want. so we'll see what He will and won't allow.

somebody else's song

let me first begin by saying, after a few notable bouts with self-esteem, self-identity and the solidity thereof, i've come to a point where i think i really like myself. this includes my idiosyncracies, my nerdy leanings, my soft, so-called-white-sounding speaking voice, all the way down to the gap in my two front teeth, and my much improved since junior high school sense of fashion.

nonetheless, one of my friends from church is a consistently sharp dresser. so i enlisted his services to help me be a better one myself. so he stops by after church, pulls all the clothes out of my closet and organizes them by color. he starts taking my articles of clothing and re-matching them into "ensembles" and giving me some pointers on some basic things that i'm missing (like pristine white sneakers and white crew neck tees to wear under certain shirts).

great stuff. definite need to know. so he put together some outfits that i thought were pretty inventive. at least, i would have never thought to put them together like that. i'm too familiar with my own shirts and always tend to wear them with the same thing.

so then, i rocked one of his choices at church next sunday. one of my favorite shirts with jeans, but with a blazer worn over it and some wheat colored timberland knock-offs by tommy hilfiger. i thought it looked "okay", but apparently i underestimated it because the response was overwhelming. all the girls who see me every sunday were saying "wow mark, you look really good today!" even my brothers were givin' me props sayin' "well alright then, go 'head!"

i thanked them and kept it movin', but it was a bittersweet triumph in a sense. it was like the compliments were coming towards me, but from their getting re-routed in my head to someone else. i wasn't even very comfortable in the clothes. i felt out of my element compulsively making sure the cuffs of my shirt properly extended past the short sleeves of a blazer not quite the length of my lanky long limbs.

it wasn't me they were applauding per se, but my friend's fashion sense. the literal complaint within was "why has no one gone this ga ga over something i put together?"* it bothered me that i didn't have control over this "power to wow". because i didn't feel like i could elicit this same response at will and of my own ability, i didn't feel like i really had a legitimate claim to any of the fruits thereof. people, i got upstaged by my own clothes and that's just a dang shame.

"'cause i remind myself of somebody else / i'm feelin' like i'm chasing / like i'm facing myself alone / i've got somebody else's thoughts in my head / i want some of my own" - lifehouse, "somebody else's song"

*actually they have. i got rave reviews for an invitational flyer i did for our church. but that's something from within my element, so i'm discounting it for the purposes of this particular rant.

upon reentry

well i haven't been out in outerspace, but i am coming back into my atmosphere again. i have received enough rebukes from friends and well wishers that i am forcing myself to jumpstart blogging again. gimme a minute to collect my thoughts?