don't make me come back there

the last couple days have been productive, but not without their frustration. i'll say and say again that i love what i do. i love being able to help people, and i love being able to make a living.

as of the last couple days though, it's seemed as if every project i'm involved in got simultaneously unsettled and every hour my phone was ringing off the hook. ringing early in the morning, and ringing late into the night. every e-mail a new problem, every text message a new question, every phone call a new complaint. it's getting so whenever i hear the phone i just want to yell at it and say "what the [your choice] do you want now? i'm empty!"

it's starting to blend together and sound like the gaggled murmurings of a backseat full of little fidgeting children. meanwhile, i'm the aggravated parent in the front seat clinging to the steering wheel with that one famous forehead vein throbbing as i threaten, "all of you better shut up right now or i will turn this car around and go home! don't make me come back there!"

of course whenever i have to complain about my business, i think of what kipper jones once told me (really nice guy i got to talk to once who co-wrote a lot of the hits on brandy's first album). he said "i know how it feels when your phone is ringing off the hook, and i know what it feels when that phone stops ringing."

it's a stark contrast. i mean, right now, i'd like to duct tape everybody's mouth shut 'cause there's just more going on right now than i've been able to comfortably float through. and yet, if there wasn't so much going on, i'd have to spend more hours working my $8/hr fallback job and i'd be making less money even when it's at its best.

the upshot is, i could barely get to sleep last night entertaining myself with logo ideas for my dream website called SockYouInYoFace.com. and in this dream, whenever somebody pissed you off? you wouldn't have to argue with them or listen to reason or hear out their side of the story. no, you could just go report them to SockYouInYoFace.com, pay a nominal fee of course, and someone would promptly show up to the person's house within 1-2 business days and sock them in they face.

i happen to think it's an ingenious idea. don't you?

you don't have to say you're sorry

“you don't have to say you're sorry
we all make mistakes, i've made my share
you don't have to say you're sorry
i don't need those words to know you care
you don't have to say you're sorry
because we're both too old it's true
well, they say that when you love someone
forgiveness is the rule
you don't have to say you're sorry...
but i sure do wish
you would.”
- vanessa williams, “you don't have to say you're sorry”

i know i've mentioned previously that one of my biggest gripes is that my mother never apologized for the places where her parenting fell short. i resented pretty deeply that she seemed to think she deserved 100% of the proper due even though she wasn't present and accountable for 100% of the time. after the last row she and i had a couple of months ago, i had largely had it. i was tired of trying, tired of begging, tired of working so hard to repair the past. i was all out of juice, so i quit. i spoke when necessary and when she wasn't around, i let it be. and then the turnaround happened.

one of the things my mother has always been exceedingly good at is interpreting dreams. and just last night i had a notably unpleasant one. i woke up rather shaken, so i called her and explained what it was and told her what of it the holy spirit had revealed to me. of course, it was something that traced back to my childhood. i don't know what rang differently for mom, but for the first time i can confirm solidly, she apologized.

not literally, but moreso in a roundabout way. roundabout enough for me. hell. it was better than i thought i'd ever get 'cause i had resigned that i would never get anything. but finally. she expressed regret that she wasn't around for my sister and i as much as she should have been. that it really wasn't the best thing to be working all the time. that it would have been better to be around to shield us from some of the influences that put dampers on our respective childhoods.

when she seemed to take a hardline stating things like "i did the best i could", it was like she was saying that if it wasn't better, that was just too bad. it burned me up because it seemed like she didn't care that some of that was hard on us. harder on my sister in ways that affected her life... harder on me in ways that only seem to be affecting me just now.

if the relationship between my mom and sister was ever out of order, i'm sure it's together now. as for my mother and i? there's still some work to be done. i was writing a song called “we can work it out”, guised so that it could apply to any "couple" that's on the rocks, but for my purposes, it's about my mom. however, after coming to a point where i gave up, i couldn't really proceed on the song in good faith. i mean, how can you encourage other people to "work it out" when you can't "work it out" yourself.

God was in the details though. i think he knew i tried as hard as i could. having done all i could to stand, i stood therefore. but i stood at a distance... far, far away. God knows when we're at the end of our ropes. i say “we can work it out”, but our ability is limited. he knows though. how to work it out. when we can't.

before kings

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men." -- Proverbs 22:29 (NIV)

If you're wondering why I've been MIA recently, it's because I've been unbelievably deluged with inviting opportunities as of late. About three of them to be specific, all involving people I've long admired.

Amel Larrieux
I just got finished doing the CD packaging for Amel Larrieux's new album Morning releasing April 25th. I can't give out any details about it, but it's been a great opportunity for me. Besides the fact that the album will be the highest profile CD release I've ever worked on, and it will look great on my resume. Artistically, Amel Larrieux is one of my highest regarded influences both as a singer and as a songwriter. As a matter of course, her husband who produces all of her music and co-writes with her is also someone I look up to. It is he who I've worked most closely with. To be able to interact with him about both music and art has been surreal.

Kenny Lattimore & Chante Moore
Beyond that, I'm currently preparing to do official websites for both Kenny Lattimore and his wife Chante Moore. This pair of solo sites will definitely be getting attention for both of them, as they are releasing a follow-up duet album this year called Uncovered. Even moreso than his music, I've admired Kenny Lattimore himself for years. He's always positioned himself to someone with values and a really good heart. I chanced to meet him while on a field trip to a television taping while in high school and he by chance ended up being one of the early people to encourage my singing in public. Years later, we've come full circle and ended up going to the same church, singing together on the praise team too. Who would have thought. He's just an ordinary guy with an extraordinary gift, but it still remains... I count it an honor that he would recognize my talent as standout. He could pay anybody to work for him, but he chose me. Therefore? Wow.

Adam LaClave & Club Of The Sons
I have long believed that God closed doors to me regarding music, knowing that I would have abandoned my academic career to be involved in what I feel is my true passion. It seems only befitting that the closer I get to graduation, the more these previously closed doors begin to open... and how. It appears that I'm going to go on tour as a keyboardist/support vocalist with Adam LaClave's new side project Club Of The Sons.

Adam was one of the founding members of my favorite band Earthsuit, which also gave rise to the band Mute Math, which most people know I'm a die-hard fan of. Not to mention, like Amel Larrieux, I've spent countless hours absorbing his lyrics and folding elements of his vocal style into my own. To be invited to play and sing with him is unbelievable, and to wit, I can still hardly believe this is actually happening.

His original plan was to finish recording the Club Of The Sons album and then (including me) take the supporting slot on Mute Math's spring tour. The problem with that was I'd have had to postpone my last semester of school and thereby my graduation for a whole year to be on the tour. Unfortunately for the tour, but fortunately for me, the plans to tour with Mute Math had to be scrapped because of delays in the recording process. However, I still get to be in the band and graduate on time as planned.

I spoke with Adam last week and he was telling me that the run of tour dates begins June 1st, the day after my graduation. It's more than ironic that this door officially opens after I get my degree. God is large, God is alive, and God is able. Everytime I begin to forget these things, he proves himself to me over and over again.

Realistically, there are still plenty of people who would likely not give a rip about this joyous news I have. Nevermind her Grammy nomination, they'd say "Who's Amel Larrieux?" If you didn't familiarize yourself with R&B in the 90's, you might say "Kenny Lattimore? Mmmmm, doesn't ring a bell." and outside of the Christian music kingdom, scores would reply "Earthsuit? Adam LaClave? Club Of The Sons? Never heard of 'em."

Apart from the fact that I think they're all missing out on some top notch artistry, such opinions don't affect me at all. I know how deep seated my admirations are for them. I know how impactful their contributions have been to me. They have always been kings to me, and always will be.

"In a well-furnished kitchen there are not only crystal goblets and silver platters, but waste cans and compost buckets--some containers used to serve fine meals, others to take out the garbage. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing." -- 2 Timothy 2:20 (The Message)

without it

“the world's gone, don't think about it / 'cause life is short, we'll do without it / they say the road is long, don't think about it / 'cause life is short, we'll do without it

we can move on forward, don't worry / the best we've known is yet to come / we can move on forward, don't worry / the worst won't get the best of us

so memories are crippling / don't let the disease bring us down / there's nothing else to know, just let it go / yeah, we'll do without it somehow / though the world is gone, we'll carry on / we'll do without it / we'll do without it...” - mute math, “without it”

my mom called and confirmed (via another relative who walked through the premises) that the damage is as bad as they thought. the very front of the house is intact. from the street, it doesn't look like anything is wrong. the rest of the house is... as previously stated, gone.

i never had any hope of being able to go back, so it's not as bad as it seems. i'm not falling from as far up as i could have. so as much as it hurts, it could have been worse. more devastating. i'd like to have the luxury of stopping to mourn it all again, but i really am busy these days. i'm going to have to shuttle on and watch that (like so many other things in life) get infinitely smaller as i get farther and farther away from it.

i don't like loss. no one does, but what am i gonna do now? if i could unchar that place, i might. (i'm still not sure how glad i am that it's gone.) i'll have to do without that. mom has also soldiered on, uninterested in any further cans of open worms from me. she may never apologize or even express any regret about the past. i really wanted that acknowledgement. looks like i shall have to do without that too. all i have is what's in my hand, and that's as material as everything else that's blow away with the wind.

it's all finite. it's vanity. all of it is vanity. props to ecclesiastes. if i built my own monument and marvelled at it, i'd work hard all my life and then what happens to it when i die? it gets handed over to someone else. they may or may not take care of it. my monument may or may not survive. people may or may not remember me from the reminders that i plan to leave. God may see fit that nothing i do has any scrap of permanence to it. it's all outside of my control really. and that's my least favorite place for anything to be. and yet, i'm in His hands, at his mercy, which is the safest place to be. i'll take the latter over the former.

“the safest place in the whole wide world / is in the will of God / though trials be great / and the way seems hard / it's in the will of God / it may be on the battle front / or in the valley low / but wherever it may be / if God says, go? / go.” - karen clark sheard, “the will of God”